I had a breakthrough recently. It started with a breakdown, of sorts, that ended in a complete breakthrough into a level of freedom I hadn’t known in years. You see, I thought I was “fine”. The truth was, I was a bit over-concerned with what I thought people thought about who I was and what I needed to be. (obviously, on this side of it all – that was way too much thinking!) I suppose we all battle that, but this wasn’t exactly the freedom that I was meant for.
Here’s the skinny on what happened. I went to this one day arts conference simply to expand my understanding of creativity. Simple. Right? Safe enough, I thought. And, all of Heaven went “HA!”. At one point in the conference, it was decided we should all do a “silly walk” so we didn’t fall into a coma after lunch.
Suddenly, I was being called upon to be silly on demand. Sometimes, silliness overtakes me – but on my own terms. In the safety of really, really good friends. Never in a crowd of 100 or so strangers and a couple of friends.
I simply froze. Paralyzed with fear of what others would think of me. Even though, all those in front of me happily engaged their silly side and looked absolutely free doing their own “silly walk”. When it was my turn, I just stood there. Frozen in fear and I couldn’t do it.
That lead to the breakdown. As I walked normally, which in retrospect seems even sillier, I turned to watch, as countless others had a blast frolicking as they walked. Now, you may be thinking that I was the “sane” one in the bunch. Perhaps, that is true. But the point is, I cried out to God to ask Him why I was so afraid of this exercise. I turned to my friend and she prayed for me, and spoke words that were used by the Father to start the breakdown and the healing. She said that I had simply forgotten who I was.
*Cue tears*…That was it. For the rest of the afternoon I cried. I mean, I really cried, which was also new for me, but maybe that was because I was so “together”. My other friend lovingly sat with me while I cried, tried to squeak out words, prayed and cried some more.
I had no clue I was that hung up on image. Maybe if you know me, you are either surprised that I wasn’t aware of that particular hang-up or you are surprised that I couldn’t be silly. Either way, that was the catalyst for my crying out for God to heal me of more of my junk. I know who I am in the spiritual arena. There, I am confident and bold. It was the people arena that elicited such fear. We all know how critical we can be at times and who wants to willingly become a target – right?
So, as the week went on I prayed and partnered with the Holy Spirit and somehow He healed me. I noticed this healing the following week when I found myself being incredibly visible at an event at church. As I was speaking, I realized I was not the least bit afraid! Nervous, yes – but afraid – NO! There were lots of smiling faces staring back at me as I spoke and none of them knew the battle that was just won in those moments – BUT I DID! It felt like I had grown up into my true self.
I am so grateful to the Lord for the fact that He used a silly “silly walk” to bring me into a greater place of freedom. I’m writing about this and I have no idea who is going to read it. Hopefully, I won’t care after I hit “publish” either! I am standing my ground and maintaining my healing. And, get this – I have been practicing my silly walk, but only inside my head. Maybe someday I’ll just bust out and do it! Maybe…